(excerpt from poem written)
"Thine salvation is far too great for mine soul to bear. Thou hast saved me numerous times. I thank Thee humbly. Oh Lord, Thou hast forgiven mine sinful heart. Thou hast placed Thine hand upon mine head and caused me to bow in reverance before Thee. I hath seen how sinful mine own heart is and Thou hast yet forgiven me. Oh Lord, I would that Thou wouldst continue to lead me to repentence. Canst Thou still cleanse mine heart, mind, and body? Thou hast and I do thank Thee." "Lord, Thy lovingkindness is great. Thy faithfulness doth exceed that of mine own. Thou hast chosen to ne'er let min heart go, though I do curse Thee and run away. For this I do thank Thee. Teach me, O Lord, how shouldst then I live to pleaseth Thine heart? I do desire to serve mine great and powerful King. I do accept Thine call to me to be available to Thee."
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Coldness doth pervade mine heart
(excerpt from poem written)
"Now, tis not this very immoral act that I do fear, but rather my coldness of heart. For though mine entire body seems crushed to the ground with heavy bricks, I cannot bring myself to ask my Lord for forgiveness. Not a tear hath I shed yet and for this I fear greatly. Hath I backed so far away that mine own heart hath turned against me? I do not quite know well what to thinketh upon. I do know well that I needeth to repent, but something doth hold me back. Fear! Fear hath gripped mine soul. Where hath the innocent and pure Tammany laid her head tonight? Can I not find that her heart is far more right with God than I? Oh God, do not forsake me. For though Thou hast said this oft I do fear that the walls which I do build are growing taller by the minute. I hath let too much go astray."
"Oh spiteful sin! Thou doest hang about mine neck like a gallows rope. I do fear thee, but far more do I fear the greater distance between my Lord and I. Oh Lord, I hath crossed o'er the wall which Thou hast said that Thou wish it not of me. I am a fool! How thoughtless I have been! Canst Thou find the hole where I did enter in? Canst Thou search out mine heart and return me to mine rightful place? Oh Lord, cast me not away. I am fearful that Thou doest not want to find me. Oh Lord, please forgive me for mine foolishness."
"Now, tis not this very immoral act that I do fear, but rather my coldness of heart. For though mine entire body seems crushed to the ground with heavy bricks, I cannot bring myself to ask my Lord for forgiveness. Not a tear hath I shed yet and for this I fear greatly. Hath I backed so far away that mine own heart hath turned against me? I do not quite know well what to thinketh upon. I do know well that I needeth to repent, but something doth hold me back. Fear! Fear hath gripped mine soul. Where hath the innocent and pure Tammany laid her head tonight? Can I not find that her heart is far more right with God than I? Oh God, do not forsake me. For though Thou hast said this oft I do fear that the walls which I do build are growing taller by the minute. I hath let too much go astray."
"Oh spiteful sin! Thou doest hang about mine neck like a gallows rope. I do fear thee, but far more do I fear the greater distance between my Lord and I. Oh Lord, I hath crossed o'er the wall which Thou hast said that Thou wish it not of me. I am a fool! How thoughtless I have been! Canst Thou find the hole where I did enter in? Canst Thou search out mine heart and return me to mine rightful place? Oh Lord, cast me not away. I am fearful that Thou doest not want to find me. Oh Lord, please forgive me for mine foolishness."
Sunday, January 25, 2009
...I'm sick of it
why? this has changed so much....I know that, but why are we doing this? There is nothing there besides this obssession with a "problem." Can I be more than leverage? Can I be seen? Am I here? What's going on?
Nevertheless, I move on. This Tiger's running fast and she's not gonna stop. I will fiercely take on the world with the King at my side. I will let nothing hinder my focus. Not friends, not dilemmas, not studies, not pain, I will run hard and fast with my King. I will not lose sight of what really matters. Hold your head up Tiger, you need to stay in stride with Me. I'll stregthen those weary paws and mend your aching heart. Stay in stride with my pace and you will ever be near Me. Many times before I have had my heart broken and the King has gotten me through those times too. Press on, Tiger! Don't stop! Run fast with the King at your side! Never lose focus!!!
Nevertheless, I move on. This Tiger's running fast and she's not gonna stop. I will fiercely take on the world with the King at my side. I will let nothing hinder my focus. Not friends, not dilemmas, not studies, not pain, I will run hard and fast with my King. I will not lose sight of what really matters. Hold your head up Tiger, you need to stay in stride with Me. I'll stregthen those weary paws and mend your aching heart. Stay in stride with my pace and you will ever be near Me. Many times before I have had my heart broken and the King has gotten me through those times too. Press on, Tiger! Don't stop! Run fast with the King at your side! Never lose focus!!!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
...in my perspective, it's the coldest day of the year
I have had quite a bit on my mind today...I think it must be the cold bitter winds that are awakening my mind. Of course, it is more than likely the Holy spirit. :P
For those of you who have never read my blog, I want to tell you that I'm in school right now. I'm majoring in Intercultural studies and minoring in TESOL. My idea is to become a missionary, but I'm still a little vague how to go about it.
Anyway, my thoughts today have been very scattered. I've thought a lot about my life devoted to Christ and how truly sincere I am about it. Have I given over everything to Him? I've thought about one of my best friends whose from Germany. I talked to her last night before she slept to prepare for her long flight to the US to finish her schooling. We talked about her recent missions trip, her break in Germany during Christmas, her steps and dreams for after school, and her anticipation for finishing school soon. It was great talking to her again. I have missed her a lot. But our talk sparked something in me. It opened up my eyes to ideas and concepts I haven't thought about as far as going into missions. Now don't start assuming, still very much want to go into missions, but like I said earlier-how?
As I've progressed through out the day, I've been tormented with thoughts that maybe I'm not in the right major. I want to do Bible translation, so I wasn't sure if perhaps I was supposed to be in Bible/Theology. I also want to be involved in church-planting. But my minor is TESOL (Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages) so that I can have some kind of tent-making skill to get me into countries. A while back, when I was still living on the ship Logos II, a speaker came to talk to us during a week of rest. (Sabbath Week) This speaker, Andrew Savage, brought to our attention the great need in the world for missionaries. Now, I knew some of that, butg I wasn't clear as to the extent. When he started explaining that there were people who went to different countries to translate Bibles in the people's native tongue, I became super excited. I was even more encouraged every day that he spoke. He showed us a video of horses that had been trapped on a small stretch of land because of flooding. These horses were drowning themselves trying to get to higher land. The only way that they could be saved was if people actually rode a different horse onto the narrow strip of land that barely flooded. The horses were blinded, they had no way fo knowing which way was the right way to go. But eventually all 100 horses were saved. He then went on to explain that the people groups in the world out there that don't know Jesus are like those horses. It sparked a fire in me to be a part of saving those horses. I don't want to sit on the sidelines, I want to be directly involved with these "horses."
That being said, I know that I want to start in one country, get to know and love the people, evangelize, plant churches and prepare them to plant churches and then move on to another country. That is, of course, all of this vision MUST be lead by the Holy Spirit. I cannot do this on my own. I know that. But besides working alongside Christ, I feel that I need a group of devoted people who have the same passion and desire. I mean, who knows maybe I'll just join some organization that has the same dream, but I don't know. Only God knows what my heart truly desires and what will glorify Him the best.
So that was only one thought.
Another big thought, is whether or not I should tell my Logos II story in SMF. I mean, I know that this a relatively small decision, but to me it requires a lot of deep thinking. That's an entire two years of my life that I have to summarize. I also want to make sure that I'm not just saying words, but rather that the Holy Spirit is using me to actually spark something in people. Every time I think hard about what all this little presentation entails, my stomach flips upside down and I'm nervous. Why? I don't know. I never done very well with speeches or presentations. I do do supremely well when I'm acting or singing in a group, but I guess the thought of being on stage alone frightens me. I don't know.
Next thought...
A friend of mine recently has been asking me a lot of questions and last night asked if I wanted to join him and another person to consult someone else....ahhh! I don't know. Part of me says, "Sure, that's be fine." But the other part of me says, "No! God has this in His hands and He knows exactly what needs to happen and I don't see how I could do anything at this point." Well, there's more to be said, but it will not be said. Anyway, it's been pressing on my heart.
Final thought....(I think)
A couple of my friends have recently mentioned that I'm not using my voice to its max potential. I do just fine singing and belting it out in my room, but I guess I haven't been doing that in Ensemble. (my choir group) This concerns me. First of all, because I know that I can sing better than that. Second because God has gifted me with this voice and if I'm not singing as well as I could then I'm not reallt being a good steward of what the Lord has given me. How can I change that? So we'll see what happens today in choir.
Another thought...(I was wrong) (I said I wasn't sure)
Lately, a friend of mine and I have been contemplating a lot the whole "being single" idea. I know that if I'm not satisfied in Christ, I will search out other means to "fill" me. I know that nothing besides Christ can actually fill me, but it's not that easy. It's a transforming of my mind constantly. Okay, so I was talking to her last night and I brought out my journal that I've been writing to my future husband. I knew that there was an entry that dealt specifically with liking guys and being satisfied to let God take care of bringing my husband to me. So I reread it and I was re-enlightened. I have truly decided to step back from guys and "pursuing" them. But rather I will continue waiting. I'd like to share part of the entry. Don't worry there's nothing personal in it. I'm not that stupid. (This was a conversation I had with another girl, but it's good advice for how guys should act toward women of God. This generally what she covered.)
"Is he a born again Christian? That's the first check point. Find out if he's on fire for God. Depending on your answer you will know what to do with that feeling starting to spring up. Don't look for it, it falls from the sky when you least expect it. If your eyes are on Jesus that's what will attract a God-fearing man. Pray and wait to see what God does. Ask God for the green light to start liking him...then, if God says yes, just pray, get to know him and wait for him to make a move. If he doesn't, too bad for him, he's blind! Remember, God has the best in store for you! Not second best, but THE best. Just make sure he corresponds to what God has placed in your heart...find out more about him and if he does match up to your desire for a future husband...consider praying and asking God for further confirmation, but if not, don't waste time. You must know what you want, the vision you have for the future, ministry, gifts, how you see yourself as a wife...don't compromise anything."
Now, THAT is the end of my deep thoughts for the day...okay, maybe, but I won't put them on here.
For those of you who have never read my blog, I want to tell you that I'm in school right now. I'm majoring in Intercultural studies and minoring in TESOL. My idea is to become a missionary, but I'm still a little vague how to go about it.
Anyway, my thoughts today have been very scattered. I've thought a lot about my life devoted to Christ and how truly sincere I am about it. Have I given over everything to Him? I've thought about one of my best friends whose from Germany. I talked to her last night before she slept to prepare for her long flight to the US to finish her schooling. We talked about her recent missions trip, her break in Germany during Christmas, her steps and dreams for after school, and her anticipation for finishing school soon. It was great talking to her again. I have missed her a lot. But our talk sparked something in me. It opened up my eyes to ideas and concepts I haven't thought about as far as going into missions. Now don't start assuming, still very much want to go into missions, but like I said earlier-how?
As I've progressed through out the day, I've been tormented with thoughts that maybe I'm not in the right major. I want to do Bible translation, so I wasn't sure if perhaps I was supposed to be in Bible/Theology. I also want to be involved in church-planting. But my minor is TESOL (Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages) so that I can have some kind of tent-making skill to get me into countries. A while back, when I was still living on the ship Logos II, a speaker came to talk to us during a week of rest. (Sabbath Week) This speaker, Andrew Savage, brought to our attention the great need in the world for missionaries. Now, I knew some of that, butg I wasn't clear as to the extent. When he started explaining that there were people who went to different countries to translate Bibles in the people's native tongue, I became super excited. I was even more encouraged every day that he spoke. He showed us a video of horses that had been trapped on a small stretch of land because of flooding. These horses were drowning themselves trying to get to higher land. The only way that they could be saved was if people actually rode a different horse onto the narrow strip of land that barely flooded. The horses were blinded, they had no way fo knowing which way was the right way to go. But eventually all 100 horses were saved. He then went on to explain that the people groups in the world out there that don't know Jesus are like those horses. It sparked a fire in me to be a part of saving those horses. I don't want to sit on the sidelines, I want to be directly involved with these "horses."
That being said, I know that I want to start in one country, get to know and love the people, evangelize, plant churches and prepare them to plant churches and then move on to another country. That is, of course, all of this vision MUST be lead by the Holy Spirit. I cannot do this on my own. I know that. But besides working alongside Christ, I feel that I need a group of devoted people who have the same passion and desire. I mean, who knows maybe I'll just join some organization that has the same dream, but I don't know. Only God knows what my heart truly desires and what will glorify Him the best.
So that was only one thought.
Another big thought, is whether or not I should tell my Logos II story in SMF. I mean, I know that this a relatively small decision, but to me it requires a lot of deep thinking. That's an entire two years of my life that I have to summarize. I also want to make sure that I'm not just saying words, but rather that the Holy Spirit is using me to actually spark something in people. Every time I think hard about what all this little presentation entails, my stomach flips upside down and I'm nervous. Why? I don't know. I never done very well with speeches or presentations. I do do supremely well when I'm acting or singing in a group, but I guess the thought of being on stage alone frightens me. I don't know.
Next thought...
A friend of mine recently has been asking me a lot of questions and last night asked if I wanted to join him and another person to consult someone else....ahhh! I don't know. Part of me says, "Sure, that's be fine." But the other part of me says, "No! God has this in His hands and He knows exactly what needs to happen and I don't see how I could do anything at this point." Well, there's more to be said, but it will not be said. Anyway, it's been pressing on my heart.
Final thought....(I think)
A couple of my friends have recently mentioned that I'm not using my voice to its max potential. I do just fine singing and belting it out in my room, but I guess I haven't been doing that in Ensemble. (my choir group) This concerns me. First of all, because I know that I can sing better than that. Second because God has gifted me with this voice and if I'm not singing as well as I could then I'm not reallt being a good steward of what the Lord has given me. How can I change that? So we'll see what happens today in choir.
Another thought...(I was wrong) (I said I wasn't sure)
Lately, a friend of mine and I have been contemplating a lot the whole "being single" idea. I know that if I'm not satisfied in Christ, I will search out other means to "fill" me. I know that nothing besides Christ can actually fill me, but it's not that easy. It's a transforming of my mind constantly. Okay, so I was talking to her last night and I brought out my journal that I've been writing to my future husband. I knew that there was an entry that dealt specifically with liking guys and being satisfied to let God take care of bringing my husband to me. So I reread it and I was re-enlightened. I have truly decided to step back from guys and "pursuing" them. But rather I will continue waiting. I'd like to share part of the entry. Don't worry there's nothing personal in it. I'm not that stupid. (This was a conversation I had with another girl, but it's good advice for how guys should act toward women of God. This generally what she covered.)
"Is he a born again Christian? That's the first check point. Find out if he's on fire for God. Depending on your answer you will know what to do with that feeling starting to spring up. Don't look for it, it falls from the sky when you least expect it. If your eyes are on Jesus that's what will attract a God-fearing man. Pray and wait to see what God does. Ask God for the green light to start liking him...then, if God says yes, just pray, get to know him and wait for him to make a move. If he doesn't, too bad for him, he's blind! Remember, God has the best in store for you! Not second best, but THE best. Just make sure he corresponds to what God has placed in your heart...find out more about him and if he does match up to your desire for a future husband...consider praying and asking God for further confirmation, but if not, don't waste time. You must know what you want, the vision you have for the future, ministry, gifts, how you see yourself as a wife...don't compromise anything."
Now, THAT is the end of my deep thoughts for the day...okay, maybe, but I won't put them on here.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Saturday, December 27, 2008
My Old Man
How does this always happen? This man….so sly….so ready to pounce, is lurking in my every shadow. Stalking me almost every moment of the day; I can’t get away. If I don’t protect myself my old man will watch me with anticipation and at the right moment grab for my throat. After he leaves again, I find myself on the floor wondering how it happened again….left helpless and weak. How do I not notice that his cold presence is hovering over me? His choke hold is like ice to the touch and it’s only after he’s choked me that I feel the pain. Just when I think my heart has learned to guard and call for help, my old man is at my door again…hiding under my bed…ready at any moment to destroy the moment of peace. I cannot take it. My heart aches and long to kill him. With every muscle in my body I try to pull myself out of the clutches he has me in, but alas….he always prevails. I cannot do this. I will call Someone for help. He is the only one that I know can actually rescue me from the attack the moment it happens. He knows my old man to a tee. He watches him more than my old man watches me. Someone is always there and will always help me. But He only helps if I ask Him for help otherwise…He sees it as my choice to let my old man choke me once again. He knows that I know that He is the only way I can be free of my old man. I will call on His name. Help me, Lord! I cannot fight him on my own strength. I know that You will hear my plea. Destroy my old man who desires to kill me everyday!
Friday, December 19, 2008
Playing the part of Jake, but wanting to play Karen
Jake Smith, the lead male character in my novel, has his heart set on falling in love. Karen, my lead female character, has just lost her boyfriend and is falling in love with God. Over the past two days, my heart has become unsatisfied. It's been much more than a year since I broke up with...and I'm really wanting that again. A couple of nights in a row I've had dreams about my last boyfriend. The first one, he came back to me and said that he was sorry he ever left me...and he really wanted me back. I logically questioned about his wife, what about her? He said that she didn't matter. Well, in the dream my heart wanted a relationship again, but I didn't want him. My heart was not willing to take him back. I was glad for that dream. But the second dream he and I were dating, there was no wife, and I was happy. Ugh! First of all, I have not been thinking about him, nor do I want to. Second of all, the first dream was right. Even if he left his wife, which he wouldn't, I wouldn't want him back in my life.
But I want someone.
So I come to this conclusion...it's funny that I have been working on my novel, because ultimately the story is about someone who wants to fall in love and does, but not the way he expects. I guess then the only thing I can say is that God is asking me to continue to be content in singleness.
Why now though? I've been fine being single for quite some time. But now my heart longs for someone to hold it? Ugh! The Bible is right, who can know the heart? :(
But I want someone.
So I come to this conclusion...it's funny that I have been working on my novel, because ultimately the story is about someone who wants to fall in love and does, but not the way he expects. I guess then the only thing I can say is that God is asking me to continue to be content in singleness.
Why now though? I've been fine being single for quite some time. But now my heart longs for someone to hold it? Ugh! The Bible is right, who can know the heart? :(
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Christmas break...part II
Okay, so Rosie and I got on the wrong highway...and we realized it but only after we had gone a ways. It took us another 22 miles to get back where we needed to be. Once we were on the right highway, I noticed that I was starting to feel really sleepy. In fact, I was falling asleep at the wheel. Before I could even let Rosie know how I was feeling..I pulled off onto the shoulder and told her that she was gonna drive. At first she thought that I was going off the road...ha ha ha. So she hopped in on the driver's side and got ready to pull back onto the highway. Well, I had wedged us into a snow/ice bank. We burned rubber for a little bit and then I decided to get out and try to push as best I could. We did this for about 15 mins and then finally we were free. I thanked God and hopped into the car. After I shut the door and put my seat belt back on, I realized we were still stuck. Rosie messed with it for a little bit. I asked her if I needed to get out again and she said no. We did get free and I thanked God again. From then on, it was smooth and fast sailing. And I was late to work which my boss was not happy about.
After work was finished...Rosie picked me up and said that Josh had wanted to go out to eat tonight. So we went to Asian Buffett. It was wonderful. Then I took them to the Seeman's house and we all watched The Island. That was a pretty good movie. Rosie spent the night and the next morning we got up and did it again. Except this time we got up earlier and we took Josh and Mindy to Moline, IL. Rae has a small car and we had to fit four people into this car with almost the luggage of four people. :P
We got there pretty much with no hiccups or problems and drove back with me not being late for work again. :D
The next day, I wasn't working and I had to take Rosie to the airport. (That would be the last of the friends that I would have to say good-bye to.) That day was crazy as well. She hung out school preparing to go all day while I did other things, but when we got to the aiport, they told us that it was delayed. We decided to go spend more time together and eat a nice lunch at Applebees. After we had already gotten our drinks and ordered our food and just gotten our appettitzers, Rosie got a call from the airport saying that her plane was actually changed because of the delay. So...she needed to be there NOWWWWW!!!! Yeah...it was fun. Rosie said, "We live life on the edge." Because this was the second time now that we had to order food and bolt out the door because of untold circumstances. :P
So, we got there and they didn't need her still for another 45 mins. :P Back and forth. We grabbed our food and ate it in the miniscule airport. We said our good-byes and parted ways. Hers-the air...and mine a fast lane to the Seeman's. :D
Okay, so the rest thus far has been pretty normal and I don't care to report any of it. I worked, worked some more and then worked again.
Then tonight...I got off work at six and I decided to relax. I'm now at Panera eating soup in a bread bowl, drinking green apple Jones Soda and connected to the Babboon Train.(the internet for those of you who don't have Lange as a teacher...poor you!) *choo!!! choo!!!!!!!* :D
After work was finished...Rosie picked me up and said that Josh had wanted to go out to eat tonight. So we went to Asian Buffett. It was wonderful. Then I took them to the Seeman's house and we all watched The Island. That was a pretty good movie. Rosie spent the night and the next morning we got up and did it again. Except this time we got up earlier and we took Josh and Mindy to Moline, IL. Rae has a small car and we had to fit four people into this car with almost the luggage of four people. :P
We got there pretty much with no hiccups or problems and drove back with me not being late for work again. :D
The next day, I wasn't working and I had to take Rosie to the airport. (That would be the last of the friends that I would have to say good-bye to.) That day was crazy as well. She hung out school preparing to go all day while I did other things, but when we got to the aiport, they told us that it was delayed. We decided to go spend more time together and eat a nice lunch at Applebees. After we had already gotten our drinks and ordered our food and just gotten our appettitzers, Rosie got a call from the airport saying that her plane was actually changed because of the delay. So...she needed to be there NOWWWWW!!!! Yeah...it was fun. Rosie said, "We live life on the edge." Because this was the second time now that we had to order food and bolt out the door because of untold circumstances. :P
So, we got there and they didn't need her still for another 45 mins. :P Back and forth. We grabbed our food and ate it in the miniscule airport. We said our good-byes and parted ways. Hers-the air...and mine a fast lane to the Seeman's. :D
Okay, so the rest thus far has been pretty normal and I don't care to report any of it. I worked, worked some more and then worked again.
Then tonight...I got off work at six and I decided to relax. I'm now at Panera eating soup in a bread bowl, drinking green apple Jones Soda and connected to the Babboon Train.(the internet for those of you who don't have Lange as a teacher...poor you!) *choo!!! choo!!!!!!!* :D
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