My Old Man

How does this always happen? This man….so sly….so ready to pounce, is lurking in my every shadow. Stalking me almost every moment of the day; I can’t get away. If I don’t protect myself my old man will watch me with anticipation and at the right moment grab for my throat. After he leaves again, I find myself on the floor wondering how it happened again….left helpless and weak. How do I not notice that his cold presence is hovering over me? His choke hold is like ice to the touch and it’s only after he’s choked me that I feel the pain. Just when I think my heart has learned to guard and call for help, my old man is at my door again…hiding under my bed…ready at any moment to destroy the moment of peace. I cannot take it. My heart aches and long to kill him. With every muscle in my body I try to pull myself out of the clutches he has me in, but alas….he always prevails. I cannot do this. I will call Someone for help. He is the only one that I know can actually rescue me from the attack the moment it happens. He knows my old man to a tee. He watches him more than my old man watches me. Someone is always there and will always help me. But He only helps if I ask Him for help otherwise…He sees it as my choice to let my old man choke me once again. He knows that I know that He is the only way I can be free of my old man. I will call on His name. Help me, Lord! I cannot fight him on my own strength. I know that You will hear my plea. Destroy my old man who desires to kill me everyday!

Playing the part of Jake, but wanting to play Karen

Jake Smith, the lead male character in my novel, has his heart set on falling in love. Karen, my lead female character, has just lost her boyfriend and is falling in love with God. Over the past two days, my heart has become unsatisfied. It's been much more than a year since I broke up with...and I'm really wanting that again. A couple of nights in a row I've had dreams about my last boyfriend. The first one, he came back to me and said that he was sorry he ever left me...and he really wanted me back. I logically questioned about his wife, what about her? He said that she didn't matter. Well, in the dream my heart wanted a relationship again, but I didn't want him. My heart was not willing to take him back. I was glad for that dream. But the second dream he and I were dating, there was no wife, and I was happy. Ugh! First of all, I have not been thinking about him, nor do I want to. Second of all, the first dream was right. Even if he left his wife, which he wouldn't, I wouldn't want him back in my life.
But I want someone.
So I come to this conclusion...it's funny that I have been working on my novel, because ultimately the story is about someone who wants to fall in love and does, but not the way he expects. I guess then the only thing I can say is that God is asking me to continue to be content in singleness.
Why now though? I've been fine being single for quite some time. But now my heart longs for someone to hold it? Ugh! The Bible is right, who can know the heart? :(

Christmas break...part II

Okay, so Rosie and I got on the wrong highway...and we realized it but only after we had gone a ways. It took us another 22 miles to get back where we needed to be. Once we were on the right highway, I noticed that I was starting to feel really sleepy. In fact, I was falling asleep at the wheel. Before I could even let Rosie know how I was feeling..I pulled off onto the shoulder and told her that she was gonna drive. At first she thought that I was going off the road...ha ha ha. So she hopped in on the driver's side and got ready to pull back onto the highway. Well, I had wedged us into a snow/ice bank. We burned rubber for a little bit and then I decided to get out and try to push as best I could. We did this for about 15 mins and then finally we were free. I thanked God and hopped into the car. After I shut the door and put my seat belt back on, I realized we were still stuck. Rosie messed with it for a little bit. I asked her if I needed to get out again and she said no. We did get free and I thanked God again. From then on, it was smooth and fast sailing. And I was late to work which my boss was not happy about.
After work was finished...Rosie picked me up and said that Josh had wanted to go out to eat tonight. So we went to Asian Buffett. It was wonderful. Then I took them to the Seeman's house and we all watched The Island. That was a pretty good movie. Rosie spent the night and the next morning we got up and did it again. Except this time we got up earlier and we took Josh and Mindy to Moline, IL. Rae has a small car and we had to fit four people into this car with almost the luggage of four people. :P
We got there pretty much with no hiccups or problems and drove back with me not being late for work again. :D
The next day, I wasn't working and I had to take Rosie to the airport. (That would be the last of the friends that I would have to say good-bye to.) That day was crazy as well. She hung out school preparing to go all day while I did other things, but when we got to the aiport, they told us that it was delayed. We decided to go spend more time together and eat a nice lunch at Applebees. After we had already gotten our drinks and ordered our food and just gotten our appettitzers, Rosie got a call from the airport saying that her plane was actually changed because of the delay. So...she needed to be there NOWWWWW!!!! Yeah...it was fun. Rosie said, "We live life on the edge." Because this was the second time now that we had to order food and bolt out the door because of untold circumstances. :P
So, we got there and they didn't need her still for another 45 mins. :P Back and forth. We grabbed our food and ate it in the miniscule airport. We said our good-byes and parted ways. Hers-the air...and mine a fast lane to the Seeman's. :D

Okay, so the rest thus far has been pretty normal and I don't care to report any of it. I worked, worked some more and then worked again.
Then tonight...I got off work at six and I decided to relax. I'm now at Panera eating soup in a bread bowl, drinking green apple Jones Soda and connected to the Babboon Train.(the internet for those of you who don't have Lange as a teacher...poor you!) *choo!!! choo!!!!!!!* :D

Christmas break!!!

I must say that the past three days have been absolutely crazy...but soooooo much fun. Let's see, I finished my last day of school on the 12th. I don't remember that day very well anymore. I do remember thinking that I didn't know what to do with myself. Amber, one of my close friends, left on that day and I didn't even get to say goodbye. Wow, I really don't remember that day very well. I'm trying and I can't remember what happened. Anyway, I know that the next day I drove Rae, another one of my close friends, to the airport so that she could fly to New York. That was a crazy day. Rosie, another close friend, came with me, so that there would be two drivers..which turned out to be really helpful later. Okay, so we dropped Rae off and waved goodbye as she finished going through security check. Rosie and I were hungry since it was nine o'clock and we had been up since 6. We grabbed breakfast at Panera and then hopped in the car. I knew that I was going to be late for work...but I wanted to see if I could race time anyway. Well, despite the fact that we were using the GPS, I got on the wrong highway.

I'll the story at a cliffhanger...cause I have to go pick up the car from it's check-up. :D

Croatia

Remembering the pain again

Remembering the pain

The End of life...I mean, the semester.

This past three weeks or even less has been absolutely crazy. This is my fault as I had procrastinated a ton in the beginning of the semester. Now I'm struggling to catch up to where I should be. I just finished three very big projects-memorizing Ephesians chapter one, writing a controversial paper, and studying and analyzing James 2:1-13. This entire week I have stayed up until around five trying to catch back up and get everything in on time. I have not missed one assignment yet, but I refuse to do this next semester. I really need to prioritize my study habits and how to execute projects.
Now I feel like all the projects I procrastinated on were done to the best of my ability, but my ability wasn't 100%. So I really want to make sure that I do not do that again. Anyway, lesson learned. I move on. Now I'm SUPER excited for Thanksgiving and time with my family and friends! I'll be home for Thanksgiving...and not just in my dreams.

Begin to enjoy the happy holidays y'all!!!

My first Christmas song of the year!

Lyrics | Avalon - Light A Candle lyrics

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes...

Exhilaration filled my spirits with the first steps and I suddenly felt my soul enlightened within me. How could I have know that dancing was so full of life? I had danced solo before, that's nothing. But dancing with someone adds another tier of excitment. Slow dancing in high school does not even compare to the thrill of being held and moving in rythm with the other person. I can't quite put my finger on it. I truly understand now what Eliza DoLittle meant when she said she could have danced all night. How can you possibly dance all night? You can, and there was not a moment when I didn't want to dance.

Alas, I soon came to the realization that I had no special someone. My heart ached within me. I longed for someon to whisk me off my feet and lead me around the room in our perfect rythm. It was not to be. Not one guy in that room did I truly want to sweep across the room with. I danced with a brother and we had fun. We seemed to be doing well. I'm not quite sure what his impression was, but I know that he missed his girlfriend.

Altogether, God gently held my hand and told me that I was still to wait. My dance partner will come one day. The dance was still exciting and exhilarating the entire time. My girlfriends and I had all thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Perhaps one of us more than the others. ;)

Consequences...of poor choices

So, all last week I made a poor decision to not do any homework. This week, I'm repeaping the consequences. I had a big set of notes due today for a research paper and I not only waited till the last minute, but I stayed up until 3:30 last night doing them. Yeah, not smart. Another thing, there was more than just notes due today. I had several readin assignments due in Old Testament survery and I didn't finish them. I feel like I'm ruining my own chances of stretching myself. I'm fighting against myself to learn and grow. It's not something I want to fight against, but nonetheless, I am. It is the lazy, procrastinating, selfish, fallen nature that wants me to not do any homework. And then, to make matters worse, when I become swamped with assignments I haven't done, I just close down. I become apathetic toward any of it.
Christ would not have me doing that. He would encourage me to press forward and to persevere.

That's why I'm making some decisions. Every night, unless I'm working, or especially because I'm working, I will not check Facebook until after 8 pm and I will not agree to hang out with friends until after eight. There are some exceptions, such as someone really needing to talk, but otherwise...I need to lay down the rules for my unruly side. Fallen nature, you will not defeat me. I am a new creation and I am redeemed. I have Christ's strength to fight this battle. You fail!
Mr. Sanchez, I'm taking your advice. I'm doing something about the problems I'm dealing with. I'm taking action. So help me, God!

Can I have this dance?

I confess, I mess up the dance moves often. My dress gets torn frequently and I lose confidence in what You have already taught me. Lord, perfect my steps, because You're the perfect dance instructor. You created dance, so teach me how to dance. Lord, I feel sometimes that I step on people's toes with my wrong moves. I feel when I make my own dance steps, our rythm tends to fade. But You are the perfect dancer, why can't I just realize that?

Forgive me Lord, for stepping on Your toes and others' toes and for trying to make my own steps. I can learn so much about You from Your Word, but I choose to try to live my own way too often.

Jesus, tear off these filthy rags, clothe me in Your splendid light so that it radiates everywhere. Change my broken dance shoes in for ones of patience, peace, and obedience. Lord, wipe off my poorly-applied make-up and may Your glory illuminate my face. I want to be washed in Your blood so that I come out sparkling white like a bride should be. Replace my plastic pearls with pearls of wisdom. May my beauty and adornment be that of the change You have made inside of me. I will take You hand; I will lose myself. I will trust in You, hold You tight and let the music of life take us wherever You lead.

Promises, promises

I just learned something...mm, perhaps had more of a revelation. Okay, so I'm looking up righteousness and I'm finding all these passages and it's very helpful, but I remembered one passage that talked about righteousness that no concordance had mentioned. It was Hebrews 11. So, I'm reading through this passage and finding out what made them receive credit to righteousness and I see that it is their faith in God. Well, then I go do something else and as I'm "chewing the cud" I come to realize that Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Noah and all the other people mentioned are having faith. Faith in what? Things hoped for not yet seen. Okay, but then I thought, well "how did they know that something "unseen" was coming? Of course, God told them.
And most of the time, God used promises to make sure that these patriarchs knew He meant business. Then, I thought, "oh wow, that makes sense. we're always told to lean on God's promises, to believe that He is faithful and will provide. We are always told to believe that God's promises are true.
Okay, so we've had the Bible for years (literally) but back then, Abraham (for example) only was given like three promises. All he had to do was lean on three promises. It was simpler, not easier, but simpler. So, now I say, well hey there are TONS of promises in God's word. Wow! Why didn't I think of that before? God wants us to trust in His promises, just as Abraham trusted in God's promises. Why are we so blind? Why do we miss that? I want to live trusting in God's promises. Because a promise is real, it's there, it's never-ending. I mean, espcially if it's with God...it's binding. Wow! We should trust in His promises so much more.

Dieser Weg (This Path)

Okay, I really should be doing homework or sleeping right now, but I don't care. I have had a horribly disorganized week. I don't understand what's up with me recently. It's crazy. I have had a scatter-brain for this entire week, and I hate it. My organized persona, or Beaver, is going insane wondering why I can't seem to get back into the swing of things. My party persona, or Otter, is having fun and enjoying herself so much and becoming really close to friends. But this is not helping me get anything done. I have missed so many homework assignments this week and part of me doesn't care at all.
So, this awesome German song has been stuck in my head ALL week as well, and it has been helpful in thinking about life.
Here are the German lyrics:

also ging ich diese strasse lang und die strasse führte zu mir. das lied das du am letzten abend sangst, spielte nun in mir. noch ein paar schritte und dann war ich da, mit dem schlüssel zu dieser tür.
Refrain: dieser weg wird kein leichter sein, dieser weg wird steinig und schwer. Weg nicht mit vielen wirst du dir einig sein, doch dieses leben bietet soviel mehr. es war nur ein kleiner augenblick, einen moment war ich nicht da, danach ging ich einen kleinen schritt, und dann wurde es mir klar.
Refrain: dieser weg wird kein leichter sein, dieser weg wird steinig und schwer. nicht mit vielen wirst du dir einig sein, doch dieses leben bietet soviel mehr.
Liedertexte: manche treten dich, manche lieben dich, manche geben sich für dich auf.
Liedertext: manche segnen dich, setz dein segel nicht, wenn der wind das meer aufbraust. Alle manche treten dich, manche lieben dich, manche geben sich für dich auf. manche segnen dich, setz dein segel nicht, wenn der wind das meer aufbraust.
Refrain: dieser weg wird kein leichter sein, dieser weg wird steinig und schwer. Dieser nicht mit vielen wirst du dir einig sein, doch dieses leben bietet soviel mehr. Weg
Refrain 2x dieser weg, - dieser weg, ist steinig und schwer. nicht mit vielen wirst du dir einig sein, doch dieses leben bietet soviel mehr.


Okay, you look at this and almost all of you are saying, "And this means what?"
So, that's how my life feels sometimes. I'm looking at it and I have no clue how it translates, but I know somewhere in Someone's hands is the translation. I may not have the answer, but I know Someone who does.

Here are the English words:

This path So I went along this road.And the road led to me... Read More.The song that you sung on the last evening,was now playing in meJust a few steps and then I was thereWith the key to this door.Chorus: This path won’t be easy.This path will be stony and difficult.You won’t find many agreeing with you.But this life offers so much more.It was just a small moment.For a moment, I was not there.Then I went a small step.And then it became clear to me.
ChorusSome people kick you.Some people love you.Some give themselves up for you.Some people bless you. Don’t set your sails,When the wind stirs the sea.

See, that's much better, but doesn't part of you want to try to translate the text above? Aren't you curious? Like a puzzle that will be extremely beautiful once it's finished you begin to see the big picture. But the only way that can happen is for you to TRY to translate the foreign text.
I'm still learning what that means, but "not that I have already obtained it, or have already become perfect, but I press on in order that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:12-14

Missions

"When you came to answer the heathen cry
And thought you would hear a piteous sigh,
You never expected this-
Men with a satisfied, comfortable air,
Women too busy with gossip to care
For truth they do not miss.
Did you dream of a host of upraised arms
Beseeching release from pagan alarms,
Only to wake with a start?
Now that you know they are passing your door,
Preferring an idol's parade much more,
What does it do to your heart?
You are so earnestly giving the Word,
But listening ears seem not to have heard,
No matter how much you repeat.
Strong in the grip of tradition, they sit,
Almost defying you ever to fit
Your shoes on their mental feet.
Patience, my brother, before you will learn
Where the silent ache and anguish turn
To an unknown God to pray.
Bringing the sheaves from the harvest will wait
On sowing the growing at God's own rate,
A thousand years or a day.
As sure as there's sin in old Adam's breed,
So certain it is that you'll find a lead
Into the devils domain.
Keep on believing that He who has begun
Seeking the lost who remain."
C. Gordan Olson (227-228)

2hrs and 32 mins till the next 1,440...

Okay, so this will be my first ever blog. I really feel like I'm falling behind in life. There are several things right now that I keep saying I'm going to do, but then I never do it. I don't know if it's procrastination, or I'm actually not prioritized currently. It's not very helpful to have no idea what's going on in your life. I need to be more organized. The Beaver in me is fighting to organize everything and get into a rountine, and the Otter in me is kicking back and chilling with friends, not really caring what gets done and what doesn't. So you can imagine that there is a war going on inside me. It's quite horrendous to try and overcome.
Well, all I can do is finish off this day...night productively and start my day right tomorrow. I can strive to accomplish much tomorrow and to be on task. Hmm, anyway...tomorrow I will go to classes, then I will go "job shopping" with Rosie and after that, probably work hard on lots of homework, books, and projects.
What will you do with your next 1,440??